Watch out Twilight and Hunger Games, a new teen superhero is coming – and she can break your windows with her mind
• Warning: contains scenes offensive to those over the age of 17
Soon, we will all be living in a time where no new Twilight films are made. It's going to be a terrifying time, one without any badly written female protagonists or weirdly conservative sexual morals or anything that will present them with any wildly unrealistic relationship expectations at all. However will we cope?
Perhaps the answer lies with next year's Beautiful Creatures. Like Twilight, it's based on a series of bestselling young-adult novels. Like Twilight, it's a story of young love against all odds. Like Twilight, most people over the age of 17 will probably develop an instant allergic reaction to it. And, like Twilight, it's probably going to be huge. So here, based on its first trailer, is what to expect from Beautiful Creatures:
1) The Beautiful Creatures trailer opens with a young girl named Lena on her first day at a new school. Having seen Twilight, this clearly means that she's about to fall in love with someone much older and much wiser, with smouldering eyes, a cool haircut and a dark secret. That someone is …
2) Emma Thompson? Really? Well, I suppose she is much older than Lena, and that's a pretty funky quiff she's rocking. And, judging from the three distinct accents that she keeps alternating between in this scene, maybe her dark secret is that she's not really American at all. If Lena wants to fall in love with Emma Thompson, let her.
3) Except that's not the case. Remembering the time she was forced to watch Nanny McPhee on a plane as a child, Lena rejects Emma Thompson's advances so violently that she smashes a load of windows with her mind.
4) This is Lena, by the way. You have to admit that she's not really like Bella Swan at all. Her hair is a slightly different colour, for starters, and she doesn't look as if she resents every minute of starring in a popular film.
5) Perhaps that's because she's just met this guy, the Beautiful Creatures Robert Pattinson equivalent. Yes, his hair is a little neater than Pattinson's and, yes, he appears to have had his neck surgically removed at birth, but Lena falls in love with him anyway. Necks are so overrated.
6) However, it turns out that Lena is probably a witch or something, and the tattoo on her hand keeps counting down the days to her 16th birthday. This, she says, is when she might get claimed by the dark side. But what does that actually mean?
7) Well, Lena's sister was claimed by the dark side, and look how she turned out. Not only has the dark side given her a taste for hugely impractical clothes, but she's also wearing sunglasses indoors. What an unbearable hipster. Apparently the dark side makes you act like you're from Shoreditch. She probably thinks that electroclash is still a thing, too. No wonder Lena's so scared of the dark side.
8) What's more, the townspeople have taken against Lena for smashing all those windows earlier. They form an angry mob, carrying signs that say things like "Say no to Satan!" and "Lena's a danger to our children!" and, adhering to the law stating that no angry mob should ever know how to use an apostrophe properly, "Ravenwoods unnatural". With everything against her like this, it's up to the Beautiful Creatures Robert Pattinson equivalent to save Lena. But how?
9) By rubbing a tiny enchanted toilet seat, of course. Spoiler alert: in Beautiful Creatures, everything is apparently fixed by rubbing a tiny enchanted toilet seat.
10) It works! To celebrate, Lena and the Beautiful Creatures Robert Pattinson equivalent kiss in one of the most profoundly disturbing ways I think I've ever seen. Who needs Twilight, anyway?
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/filmblog/2012/sep/26/beautiful-creatures-trailer-review
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